BAND ENTERTAINMENT
by AlbusScarfyPotter
Summary: Just random quotes/stories from band that I found funny. Hope you enjoy! Rated T for some cussing
1. Chapter 1

Hello FanFiction readers!

This is my first time writing (and putting it on the internet) so pardon any weird page looking stuff, it's a working progress.

I really don't know what to say besides these are entertaining stories/quotations from personal band experience, I'm a freshman (freshies unite!) and the names are changed. I hope you enjoy!

Lexi, Sidney, Mary and I were sitting in a square next to Hannah, Tyler and two various saxophones during our 3rd quarter freedom time. There was some little kids playing football on the grass next to us and we told them that if we got hit with the ball we would kick their asses. They played football, we talked in groups when a little boy (6 maybe) fell in between my group and Hannah's. Hannah looked at the little kid and said, "You are so lucky that you didn't fall on us, and by the way the ball doesn't go down my pants!" The little boy replied, "That wasn't the ball, that was my hand." Tyler (Drum Major) had to pretty much hold Hannah back from the little kid.

Tyler (DM): "If anybody falls asleep on a bus, draw a penis on their face. Spread it around!"

Ethan(DM): (about our crooked lines while parade marching)- "These lines are just as straight as I am!"

Tyler (DM) (unlocking the gate to the marching band field)  
Some Random Quad (SRQ)- "Come on Tyler! My grandma could do this faster than you!"  
Tyler- "Then call her and have her do it!" *walks through the field house, then passed us and flipped us off when he walked by*

Right after 3rd quarter ended there was a streaker that ran all the way across the field and would have made it out if a gate was unlocked.  
Quotes:  
"HEYYYYYYY SEXY STREAKER I'M I'M I'M I'M I'M LIVING YOLO STYLE!"  
"Damn, if only that was our drum major…"  
"HE GOT TAZED! TWICE!"  
"I was running after him, trying to catch him, but who wants to tackle a naked guy?"  
Band Director: "The other team might have won, but we have something they don't"  
Sax: "A streaker?"  
Clarinet: "I'm going to start a fundraiser for bailing the streaker out of jail."  
Mellophone: "Hey send me that video of the streaker…never mind I don't want that on my phone"

Band Director: "That was and amazing performance…"  
Random Trombonist: "What show did you watch?"

Trumpet: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! THEY ARE SELLING PIXY SITICK! THIS SHITS MORE ADDICTING THEN METH!"

Thank you for taking the time for reading this. Please comment if you feel like it, I'll try to update often.


	2. Chapter 2

Deep thoughts with the trumpet section: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."

Band Director (BD) - "I am absolutely discussed with the way the band was acting at the football game. I had parents call me to complain about your dance movies. If it involves your pelvis, don't do it. No grinding on each other either."  
*all the trumpets look at May, one of the female upperclassmen trumpets*  
BD- "Don't look at her; it was all guy on guy!"

Bass Clarinet *before concert band officially started she stood on her chair* "Does anybody have a Bass Clarinet reed I can have?"  
Tuba: "I have a flip folder!"  
Bass Clarinet: "That will work!"

We were practicing for when the 8th graders came when some freshman trumpet started leaning on the drum major's (Tyler) podium thing. Well Tyler gets onto his podium and sees trumpet boy leaning on his podium. Tyler grabs trumpet boy's head and slowly makes him (tb) look up at him then says soft enough for everyone except the director to hear him, "you better get your ass off my podium before I pee on you." Everyone started laughing and the rest of the rehearsal Tyler kept saying, "I will piss on your head," "I can easily find out where you live and pee on everything you love," or my favorite, "Ten points if I make it into your bell/mouthpiece and you have to blow my piss."

BD: "Peyton, gurl, you are an amazing unicorn." This doesn't sound like much but with the seriousness that was on his face, nobody laughed.

BD: *comes on the freshmen bus* "Now remember freshmen, no sitting with the opposite sex on the way home." *leaves*  
Me: "Hey let's all get into the back of the bus and finger each other all the way home BECAUSE THAT FUCKING HAPPENS!"  
Some female in the back: "Okay! I'm not picky!"

BD: "We are not a potty-mouth band."  
Tyler's behind the band director fake cussing and flipping everybody off.

BD: "You guys need to learn how to march better; it teaches you how to control your body."  
Ethan: "And it helps whenever you're carrying something easily spilled!"

Tyler: "I know why we got 7th place! It's cause nobody gives a fuck about some song that they will never hear again in their entire pathetic life!"

We host a marching competition every year at our school.  
Jordan sees BD walking on the sideline when we're in the stands before we preform and waves to the BD.  
BD waves back and makes the call me sign.

At the same competition, after we preformed, I was sitting next to a dude friend and he was talking about how he wants to be in color guard next year. I teased him so much about it he called another one of his friends over (another guy) and said that he was going to join guard too. You people should have seen the look on both of their faces when I told them that I supported gay rights and that I thought they would make a great couple.

We were at the bonfire we have every year before our biggest game against our rival school and we always burn their mascot as a stuffed animal.  
Flute: "Why can't we burn the cheerleaders instead, people actually like panthers!"  
Tyler: "The cheerleaders aren't virgins, we can't sacrifice something unpure."

* * *

Sorry about not posting. I'll try harder, my goal is to post every other week right now. :)

* * *

_It's thinking the show will never work. And then, finally, it comes all together and you have achieved perfection, drumming your hands off and playing the sweat and tears out and tossing higher than the sky. A slice of time in a stadium when everyone cheers and your mom cries and pictures get taken and once, just once, you have the world in your hands. And the band marches out of the stadium and down the street, always together, whether it's success or not, and you know by the feeling in your heart it doesn't get any better than this. And you know if your director asked you to turn around and "do it just one more time, a little better," you would. Because the only thing you can hear is your heartbeat, beating in time with your band._


	3. Chapter 3

Hey you guys, I figured since we're all going to "die" tomorrow (12/21/12) I might as well post one "last" time. It's somewhat short, I promise an update before the new year, if we don't die. There is mostly stories and not a lot of one-liners.

The quote at the end of the chapter isn't mine. I'm not in percussion. I do not play the drums. I play clarinet. If I touch the percussion's equipment one more time, I will get a detention from my band director (aka GOD)

* * *

While taking band pictures for the yearbook everybody kept moving while the dude was taking the picture.  
BD: "Stop fixing your hair girls, you all look fine."  
Only flute boy: "Oh my goodness, you really think so?! I had so many problems trying to decide what to do with it this morning! I like what you've done with your hair too!"

We have to share the band room with orchestra and I was arguing with a friend on if it's called the **BAND** room or the orchestra room.  
Me: "Well where's your marching orchestra, where's the pep orchestra."  
Him: "Doing classy-er things like actually playing music."  
Me: "We'd look kinda stupid if we were just marching around a football field singing our parts, we're not a choir."  
Addison (a trumpet): "Hey you guys what are you talking about?"  
Me: "I'm trying to tell him that it's the band room not the orchestra room."  
Addison: "I DON'T SEE A MARCHING ORCHESTRA OR A COOL ORCHESTRA UNIFORM THAT YOU WEAR FRIDAYS!"  
Me: "I DON'T SEE ANY OBNOXIOUS TRUMPETS EITHER!"  
Addison didn't even realize that we insulted his instrument…

*kinda band related, it was told in the band room*  
Abby: "So, I have this demon cat thing living in my house and I can't get rid of it because my parents think it's adorable. Anyway, I came home late last night and went to check in with my dad in his room when the cat walked out of my dad's room on its back legs like a normal fucking human! It just glared at me like I disturbed its slumber and then backwards marched back into the room! That thing hates my guts!"

Our drum major is on broadcasting and he's pretty attractive. He did some report thing about mental breakdowns. My friend was talking to me and she said that he could break down on her anytime. It was funny/terrifying.

"Why did you touch my butt?!"  
"Cause we're friends, that's what friends do!"

We were marching in the Christmas parade and a car/truck/big-wheeled-thingy was in front of us, making what looked like snow fall from the sky. It was cool, the closest thing I've ever been to marching in the snow. Our drum major posted on Facebook later that evening wondering if anybody else found out that it wasn't cotton candy snow, it was soap snow.

At the Christmas band concert our director was talking about the silent auction going on in the commons.  
BD: "Has anybody seen the desserts my wife and the other band moms brought to the auction? They look mighty delicious!"  
Jada: "Oh hell no Mr. (insert band director's name here)! Those are my brownies! If you want to live you better not auction off my brownies to another person!"

There's a boy in the trumpet section who knows every Taylor Swift song by heart. It's adorable. He's called me a stupid freshman and I have to agree with him.

I have two friends who play saxophone and they are both constantly fighting over first chair. We got the results for freshman band and the guy who got second chair hasn't talked to first chair since Monday.

* * *

_It's thinking the show will never work. And then, finally, it comes all together and you have achieved perfection, drumming your hands off and playing the sweat and tears out and tossing higher than the sky. A slice of time in a stadium when everyone cheers and your mom cries and pictures get taken and once, just once, you have the world in your hands. And the band marches out of the stadium and down the street, always together, whether it's success or not, and you know by the feeling in your heart it doesn't get any better than this. And you know if your director asked you to turn around and "do it just one more time, a little better," you would. Because the only thing you can hear is your heartbeat, beating in time with your band._


	4. Things I'm not allowed to do

I'm feeling rather rambunctious today so I'm going to post another chapter. I don't really hate the trumpets no matter what it seems like. Enjoy my loves.

THINGS I'M NOT ALOUD TO DO:

I am not allowed, under any circumstances, to be left alone with percussion instruments. Or any instrument that I have not purchased or am borrowing from the school.

I am not allowed to wink at the band director whenever my section is resting and he glances over at us. He is married and at least fifty-five years old.

I am not allowed to wink at the substitutes even if they are awful at conducting.

I am not allowed to wink at anybody in the band room or any staff related to band. Period.

I am not allowed pixi-sticks. Bad things happen.

I am not allowed to start a sing along on the band bus coming home from a football game that was three hours away. I am in band for a reason

I am not allowed to drink a monster before getting on the bus coming back from that football game.

I am not allowed to Avada Kedavra anyone with my clarinet.

I am not allowed to ask our band director where he lives.

I am not allowed to ask our band director if he would like to go see the hobbit with us, it sounds like a date and he is married.

I am not allowed to tell our drum majors to skip band and run around the school playing Careless Whisper.

I am not allowed to set the sax solo from Careless Whisper as my ringtone and call myself during band to see what it sounds like.

I am not allowed to use foul language or make obscene gestures while I have anything to do with band.

I am not allowed to yell, "GO BACK TO THE PIT FROM WHICH YOU CAME FROM," whenever a freshman messes up in the percussion section during concert band.

I am not allowed to tell percussion to get their shit together because I can play their parts better than they can.

I am not allowed to run up to 8th graders when they come to play with us at one game and call the 'double f-ers' (future freshman).

I am not allowed to go up to 8th graders with my cork grease and wipe a little on their head while saying, "Simbaaaaa"

I am not allowed to ask the trumpets to play a little louder, we can't hear them.

I am not allowed to change into my band uniform in the band room if I have to take off my pants.

I am not allowed to take my friends school French Horn out of its case and put it in a random locker and then put a flute in the empty French Horn case.

I am not allowed to stop class to ask how to play a C# on the tuba when I play clarinet and will never play tuba.

I am not allowed to ask if I can play tuba in marching band next year.

I am not allowed to ask what a flute is.

I am not allowed to tell substitute teacher stories that start off as, "This one time at band camp…"

I am not allowed to tell a colorguard member that I thought his solo was amazing whenever she dropped her flag.

I am not allowed to smuggle my phone in by putting it in my friend's saxophone bell.

I am not allowed to declare that there will be a party at the band director's house after the football game whenever the band director is sick. I'm also not allowed to then give out his address.

I am not allowed to ask if we can sell trumpets for fundraising, nobody would buy them anyway.


End file.
